I have to admit that when I start to write and bear my heart and soul, I instantly feel the internal battle between the brace-faced, thick eye-glassed little girl, afraid to speak for fear of not being accepted & the prima-donna, dancing across the stage in the spotlight, the actress belting out her solo, blindly with spot lights in her eyes and the hopeful anticipation of the crowd’s applause.
This past weekend I was reminded of how very small we are in this world of ours and yet how great my God is and how loved we are.
I was scrolling down memory lane on my computer picture files and came across this amazing trip our family took to the California Sequoia National Park back in 2009. This was a place I had always wanted to bring my children to. My parents and I had vacationed there when I was about 4 or 5 and it has imprinted on my memory ever since. We used to live in Cali.
I remember as a small child walking on the warm, pine scented paths, up into the burnt out base of a massive tree, a tree so tall that it surpassed any skyscraper I had ever seen (in my young age). Awestruck by the magnitude, the surreal beauty of God’s creation, realizing the age of these trees, the memories seared themselves in my memory like a hot branding iron. To touch it’s smooth bark, weathered over the centuries and wonder what has this tree seen and who has crossed it’s path, captured my imagination at such a small age.
I wanted my children to experience the awakening of God’s awesome creation and prayed it would impact them as much as it had me.
It’s nerve wracking. I have to admit, opening my heart and soul for all to see, dissect and examine is a very vulnerable place to be in, yet, I see age catching up to me and I want to stand and shout at the top of my lungs.
I have the feeling, most of us feel like this most of the time, wanting our voice to be heard and fearful of the response. So I asked myself last night, do I have the courage to stand on the mountain top and scream into the wind? I’m 42, geez, if I can’t find freedom in self expression by this point in life, then when will I?
I’m not going to please everyone I reach, I understand that, but guess what? It’s totally ok!
This is my blog, my outlet, my escape and I won’t hide who I am.
I’m a Christian, a Bible believing, Jesus loving, screwed up, so not perfect, woman, wife, and mom.
I’m know I’m a role model to my kids, as flawed as I may be.
I fail….
every… single… day.
But I TRY, and I try hard,
to succeed,
to please,
to serve,
to teach,
to give,
to be real,
to speak truth,
to love,
to be me.
I shared this on my private FB page, and I for several days battled whether or not to share it with you all. It’s a video our family watched together Sunday morning in lieu of church. It’s an amazing video that explains the scientific, vast enormity of our universe in comparison to our humble, tiny selves on Earth. When your children are humbled by the realization of their teeny-tiny space in this universe and yet understand that GOD LOVES & CREATED & LOVES THEM is priceless.
But the special moment was when my youngest child, age 6, who I though had totally tuned out completely during the video, was suddenly grasping my arm and looked up at me in the most precious, honest, wide eyed expression and said, “Mama, don’t worry, these are tears of happiness!”
Time stopped in that millisecond. He understood and was moved to beautiful tears. He saw truth for himself. My heart utterly melted into a sweet puddle of grace.
So this is what I’m trying to express…. I want to be as bold, as strong, as powerful, as lasting, and as forthright as the towering redwoods and yet speak as gentle as the beautiful and delicate as the wild flower lupines that flourish under their canopy.
No apologies, no excuses, just ME.
I’m giving you all of me and I hope it’s enough… and if it’s not, then that’s ok too…
I’ll still be here
~KIM
It takes courage to speak when we are moved to do so, and it takes courage to share your faith. I love that my sweet nephew was moved to tears by a stirring in his tiny spirit. We have a deep legacy of faith in our family and no apologies are necessary for that. It is a gift, a blessing and a rich heritage that we have chosen to receive. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
🙂 Love you beyond words…
Oh sweet friend…I have tears in my eyes as I type this…when our faith defines us, how can we hide it? It’s not meant to be hidden! I heard a family member say once that their faith “was their own and they didn’t feel the need to talk about it a lot”. Sigh…how can we NOT talk about it if we claim to love and serve Him? And there are times when we are called to shout it from the mountain-tops and other times when we are called to just be quiet. But obedience is being ready to do either when we feel Him leading! I’m so blessed to be able to call you my beautiful friend and “sister” in Christ!
Love you,
Vanessa
Thank you Vanessa. Love you my sweet friend.
Thank you for following God’ leading… beautifully stated! How Great is Our God is a song that means so much to me. We were worshiping to that song in church just over 8 years ago, right before my youngest was born. She Dr’s had told us that she had 2 clubbed feet. We had been praying since our first ultrasound for God’s miraculous healing. During that song God spoke to me that He was going to heal her so people would be remembered on how great He is. 3 weeks later she was born with two perfect feet. Our God is truly great and daily I’m amazed ~ this video is a great reminder of His awesomeness.
Thank you Maryann for being sharing that tender and special moment of trusting God blindly with me. What a testament to giving everything up to Him and allowing & trusting Him to be in control of the results! I seriously appreciate your openness.
Hugs my friend,
Kim
It sounds to me like you have one smart, spiritual, deep-thinking little guy. 🙂
I remember being very young and realizing how large the universe is, and how it is supposed to be “never-ending” … yet I thought everything had to stop somewhere… how was it possible it could keep going and going with no end to it? That was the big moment for me and I wondered about it ever since. We live in an amazing world.
Thanks Brandi,
He really surprised me (to be honest). I haven’t been really good with the kids in educating them spiritually these past 5 years and yet it looks like God is in control of his faith anyhow! It’s NOT all about ME (haha! who knew!?! lol). 😉
~KIm
Wow… what a beautiful post! I can’t wait to watch the sermon with my own 4 little ones! It must be amazing! I too, have fought with whether or not to post some of my more vulnerable & religious pieces… it’s just so hard putting yourself fully out there. I’m always glad after I push “publish” knowing that all that matters is that I am honoring God in all that I do! I’m sure you are feeling exactly the same way! Blessings to you and your family!
Beautiful witness with your pics, your words, your witness for Jesus and Louie Giglio’s message. Thanks for posting as I enjoy your Sand and Sisal blog!!!
Kim. What a beautiful post…better then the laundry room 🙂 seriously, your heart and soul are what keeps me coming back to your blog. After todays post… I will never leave.
Beautiful, sweet friend –
Sharing your heart right here in this spot allows readers to be drawn to you even more because when the lights turn off at night, we know that it’s more than home decor and recipes that create that life long legacy (and your kids so obviously know that as well. 🙂 )
This was so beautifully shared! Thank you for being vulnerable and obedient even when it’s uncomfortable. Recently I was reminded that my life is so tiny and yet God has given me a small role to share of His faithfulness! What a privilege!
I love this so much! You are amazing!! xoxoxoxo
Beautiful! When you said “I’m 42, geez, if I can’t find freedom in self expression by this point in life, then when will I?” it really resonated with me because I am the same age and struggle with the same things.
Well said and thank you for going where many of us are scared to go.
What a lovely post! I do love that video! Thanks for sharing your soul!
🙂
Great post! 🙂
I am in love with every single word in this post!
Thank you Angie!
Deeply touching words….. I want to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs with you. Thank you for being you and letting the rest of us know we are okay when we feel the same way about things. You rock, girl!
Thank you Deb! 😉 Have a great weekend!
Amen and amen! Thank you for posting this!!!!
what a beautiful post Kim!
Awesome post Kim! Don’t you hate that our earthly minds make us feel as if we can’t share our “private” life with our public life? There’s a difference between sharing your views/religion & shoving it down someone’s throat. You did a great job of being a sharer & not a shover 🙂
Thank you so much for that Kim 😉
Thank you. 🙂 Thank you. 🙂 Bless you! I’m crying right now, but tears of happiness. 🙂
For whatever reason I was unable to watch the video, but want to thank you for having the courage to stand up for what you believe. In today’s climate it is not “polictically correct” to express our Christian beliefs, but it is vital that we do so. The time is very near when we will be persecuted for our beliefs and will no longer have religious freedom in this nation. Each day and each new law that is passed is bringing that day closer. God is glorified when we honor HIm by our testimony and witness. Kudos to you for having the courage to to be obedient.
For whatever reason I was unable to watch the video, but want to thank you for having the courage to stand up for what you believe. In today’s climate it is not “polictically correct” to express our Christian beliefs, but it is vital that we do so. The time is very near when we will be persecuted for our beliefs and will no longer have religious freedom in this nation. Each day, and each new law that is passed, is bringing that day closer. God is glorified when we honor HIm by our testimony and witness. Kudos to you for having the courage to to be obedient.
Thank you for sharing your faith! It is always wonderful to meet a sister in Christ even only via the internet. The Lord always uses Louis Giglio to remind me He is in control, has a plan for my life and, if I listen, He will guide me through that path.
Kim, I just stumbled upon your web site through Pinterest. I will be sharing the link and article about how to grow tulips indoors on my Friday Favorite to be posted April 3, 2015. Your site is beautiful, and I really enjoyed this post. I am glad to become acquainted with you through social media. Thanks for sharing!